Why do People Think I'm Drunk

There is a strange thing that has happened since things have settled down after my last Stroke. People seem to think that I’m drunk, well if not drunk at least under the influence.

Let me clarify. It is not everybody nor all of the time. But it seems to happen when my deficiencies reappear.

To be perfectly honest I can understand how the confusion occurs and perhaps you will too if I remind you of my deficiencies.

Headaches

Slurring of words

Losing track of words and sentences

Forgetfulness

Slight dragging of my right leg

Slight loss of power and grip of my right hand

Sudden shakes of the right arm

Slight loss of perception on the right side resulting in walking into things

Sudden tiredness and fatigue

Lack of Sleep

And thanks to the Horner’s

Sweating, especially on the right side of the face

Watering of the right eye

When I am tired, and sometimes when I’m not, some or all of the above show themselves. When they do there is often little or no warning and they can last for anything from a few moments to a couple of hours.

Out of interest I will now list some of the symptoms that those who are under the influence of alcohol display.

Anxiety or jumpiness

Clumsiness

Depression

Fatigue

Headaches

Insomnia

Irritability

Loss of appetite

Nausea or vomiting

Poor memory

Shaking or trembling

Slurring

Sweating

It does not take long to see that there are a number of symptoms that appear on both lists

Clumsiness

Headaches

Fatigue

Lack of sleep

Poor memory

Shaking

Slurring

Sweating

Even I can see that for those who do not know me and that I have had a Stroke could, possibly, make the assumption that I was under the influence. But for that know me? My nearest and dearest?

It would silly of me not to acknowledge that I do not drink and have never done so. It is also true that I have, in the past, drunk more than I should have and probably more than was good for me. But that was a long time ago and for a number of years now my drinking has been at a much lower level and my relationship with alcohol changed completely after my last Stroke. I have virtually removed red wine from my diet, the same with whiskey and now normally restrict myself to two bottles of beer of an evening and then only at the weekends.

Those who know me will also know that there is no pattern to the appearance of my deficiencies and they can appear wether I have had any alcohol or not.

There are other difference between my deficiencies and what I might present with if I was suffering from the effects of alcohol.

1. My deficiencies can appear with little or no notice

2. My deficiencies can disappear just as rapidly as they appear

3. My deficiencies, when they do appear, can last anything from a few seconds to a number of hours

4. My deficiencies can appear singly or in any combination

5. My deficiencies very rarely, if ever, appear when I obviously have a drink, say at a party or other gathering

6. My deficiencies appear when they want to, regardless of whose company I am in

There is one other striking element about all the times that my deficiencies have appeared, four or so, and have been wrongly attributed to alcohol: they have only happened when my step-daughter and I have been in the house on our own, or on one occasion with her and her boyfriend, in the evening.

On the first occasion the two youngsters were ensconced in the lounge, watching mindless television. I was in the office writing and then set about cooking dinner, Spag Bol. I do not remember what I produced but it was a little more than baked beans on toast. Around 21:00 I served their meal to them on trays so as not to interrupt the essential viewing. As a result of my unsteadiness and the fact that I was tired I could only carry one tray at a time. I stayed to chat to them for a few moments and then went back to eat my own food. I eventually went to bed at around 22:00, wishing them good night as I went. Unbeknownst to me the step-daughter had phoned her mother, after I went to bed, to say that she was worried that I was drunk. The following weekend my partner confronted me with the accusation that I was the worse for wear, which came completely out of the blue, a charge I strenuously denied. The evidence that that I had been more than a little tipsy was three fold

1. I seemed unsteady and was “holding” on to the mantlepiece

2. I was slurring my words

3. A half bottle of wine that had been in the kitchen was now empty

As I explained, not that I should have had to, the first two spoke for themselves and as to the third; I had used it in the meal.

The next three happened close together, a little over a week apart, almost two years later. Again my partner was working away but this time the step-daughter and I were alone with the dog. On all three occasions I got back from work before the step-daughter and so was up in the office, working on my latest book. As I always do, I came down to greet her and we had a chat about our days. On the first of the three she expressed a desire to what some, in my view, particularly rubbish TV so I told to enjoy it but I would continue working. Around 21:30 I grew tired and closed the computer down and instead of going to bed, as I probably should have, I asked if the step-daughter would mind if I watched some tennis on the large TV. I stayed up far too late as Johanna Konta was taken into a third set and in fact I feel asleep watching it, eventually going to bed at a round 23:45. 

The second and third occasions followed exactly the same pattern as the first except that the step-daughter told me that she was probably going out for the evening. During the discussion about food the step-daughter said she would be eating out. On the third occasion I told her that two of the older people I do the gardens of had told me that they can go days without seeing anyone and we agreed that it was sad the way old people are often lonely, as did my partner when I discussed it with her on the phone. 

On neither occasion did the step-daughter end up going out but in the meantime I had gone back to writing and produced my own food, going to bed when I grew tired. It was during the third evening that the step-daughter decided that I was up in the office drinking and phoned her mother worried that I was going to fall down the stairs; which to be honest I have done four times after my last Stroke but not due to drink.

The following weekend my partner and I went up to Edinburgh to attend the “Fringe” and it was on the Sunday that she decided to confront me with the belief that I had been up in the office “secretly” drinking and that it was not fair on the step-daughter. I was gob-smacked. I asked why she would say that which is when she told me about the fears of the step-daughter. I told her that I could see how the step-daughter would be worried about my falling down the stairs, as indeed was I, but asked why she would think I was drunk and what evidence she had. The partner accepted that there was no physical evidence and that the idea was based only on the “feeling” of the step-daughter and a little bit with more than a little nod toward my history with drink.

There was no getting my partner to even conceive that she and the step-daughter might be wrong! Worse than that my partner considered the lack of evidence to be conclusive proof of my secret drinking.

So I ask the question again.

Why do people think I’m drunk?

Sleep, or lack of

I know that every Stroke is different and that all Stroke Survivors is left their own deficiencies: for me one of the largest, perhaps the biggest, changes that I felt was sleep, or lack there of.

I had considered myself a good sleeper, normally needing no more than five or six hours a night. True, it was not unknown for me to have a “catch up” when I would sleep for up to eight. My normal sleeping pattern was to go to bed late, often between 01:00 and 02:00 rapidly fall asleep and then wake and rise around 07:00.

I am a writer with, at the time of my last Stroke, my first novel nearing completion and the second begun. Over the years the book has taken to write I developed the habit of writing late into the night and at the weekend. Before my last stroke I had been working six days a week, often till 20:00 or later, so with the normal family stuff the time I had to write was limited.

The night of my last Stroke all that changed.

Obviously that first night of my new life, or at least the start of the journey to my new world, was heavily disrupted. (See Post: Attack) As were many night to come. In all honesty I have no recollection of the nights between my last Stroke and going to hospital.

However, if you have read any of my previous posts you will know that, I do have clear memories of my first night in hospital. (See Post: Hospital Admission) That night I lost the first of many many hours of sleep.

Once I was home a pattern rapidly formed. I would wake early. Sometimes I would see 03:00 and on the odd occasion 02:00 but mostly I woke a little before 04:00. When I did wake I almost always found further sleep impossible. I have never been good at lying in bed once awake and now was no different. Many nights I would try to stay comfortable but as more often or not there were pins and needles down my right side it mostly proved hopeless: part of the reason was that as the tingling started a thought arose that they might the precursor of another Stroke. The only thing I could do was get up. Being up was no easier.

For a long time I became obsessed with my with my Blood Pressure, often taking it four or more times a day. Normally I waited until 08:00 to take the first reading but on the 19^th February, for instance, I measured it six times starting at 04:00 and then every four hours or so until I retired at 22:00.

During the first few weeks another habit emerged that was to have a profound impact on my sleep patterns. By 22:30, most days, I was more than ready for bed. By “ready for bed” I mean completely and suddenly. No matter what I was doing my eyes would get heavy, and still do, and I knew that it did no good trying to fight it. I had to get used to taking my leave, no matter what was happening, and ascending to bed, where I was usually asleep in moments.

Mostly I slept soundly until I woke and then the process began again.

I tried very hard to keep from disturbing the rest of the family but of course I was fooling myself. Firstly it has a major impact on those around you if, regardless of the circumstances, I was having to go to bed much earlier than everyone else. Secondly, my being up and about before the rest of the house on occasion caused slight difficulties. For example: when my step-daughter and her boyfriend came back from their ski season he would spend roughly half the week at our house, nothing wrong with that. He had a job that meant leaving around 05:00. Often I would be up and writing when he came into the kitchen. These meetings were never easy, for a number of reasons.

He, in common with many young and not so young people, had left barest possible time between getting up and departure.

He was only just awake.

I had been awake for sometime and even before the Strokes my brain had always been active the moment it woke, something not always appreciated by my partners.

Just what do you say to the step-father of your girlfriend at 05:00?

It was not his fault: there had been no discussion or communication about what my Stroke meant but these unsatisfactory dawn encounters only added to the loneliness I was feeling. (See Post: The Loneliness of the Stroke Survivor)

The other problem being awake for long periods in the dark is that it gives your brain time to think, even a damaged one like mine. Unfortunately it is almost always the case that thoughts at that time are rarely positive. In my case I would argue that the very first thought in my head is actually a very positive one. In the early days it was 'Good, I’m still here!’, but over time has transmuted into ‘Still here, then? … OK, lets get on with the day.’

All in all my new sleep patterns are giving me the same amount of rest that I was getting on occasions in my previous life and on some days more. But has I now don’t have the energy reserves that I did then it causes some tiredness issues.

My new sleep patterns do not just affect me. They have almost as a dramatic impact on those closest to me. There are times when I am unable to take part fully in the happenings of family life. In time I hope that it may ease but as I am now two and a half years into the journey it is as it stands at the moment.